The Warrior Project: Jolene, Body Dysmorphia
Here is another installment of ‘The Warrior Project’, a series of portraits of women and children who suffer from mental or physical illness or disability. And this time its the turn of one of my oldest friends, someone I’ve known for 24 years, Jolene, detailing her battle with body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphic disorder (or BDD) is a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations. Here is Jolenes story, in her own words.
Trigger warnings for BDD, sexual abuse
My name is Jolene, I’m 42 years old and a mum of 3. I live in Lancashire, I have lots of hobbies such as crafting projects, making scarves, crochet, making jewellery or wall hangings. I’ve worked as a professional child carer over 20 years, and also as a makeup artist and nail technician as well as dreadlock installation and maintenance.
When and how did your journey begin?
I always felt different growing up, never really noticed much about the hate I have for myself and my body till I hit around 9/10 years old. My friends were slowly developing small breasts, they had lean slender figures, and they were also taller than me. I felt like I wasn’t growing, developing and always had a pot belly figure. I would shy away changing for PE through school too. I remember asking my mum for a training bra like all the other kids and she laughed and said I didn’t need them which instantly made me feel inferior of my body, on top of feeling embarrassed like I wasn’t like all the others. I used to always be self-conscious of my tummy as it made me feel like I had what we call a dad bod today. I felt like I looked like Homer Simpson and that I was ugly. Around the age of 15 I started to feel a bit less anxious as my breasts had finally started to develop, I was slender with a pot belly but looked a little more womanly, I started to wear more daring clothes like sheer tops over strappy vests and hot pant shorts, and the year of being 15 seemed ok for me. Then I turned 16 and I was brutally raped by someone I thought was a friend and my world crashed. Not only did I hate my body as I did before, I now started to scrub myself till I bled, I would zone out in a bath of scalding hot water, using the scourer side of a sponge to rip at my skin as I felt dirty and broken. The struggle was hard and lonely as I couldn’t tell anyone in my family at that time. I chose few close friends to confide in to try help me grasp the whole thing and keep going. The stress and fear of it all caused my body to miss periods which also freaked me out in case I was pregnant from the rape. Thankfully I wasn’t, but on top of hating myself, my looks caused anxiety over what I wore and looked like, I was now also in fear of sexual relationships and the thought of ever becoming pregnant. I managed to have a relatively healthy sexual relationship from the age of 18 to 22 but then it went backwards for me. I felt if my partner loved me, as he said he did, I wouldn’t need to have sex any more as I always felt it was wrong and dirty. Sex counselling helped and when I was 29 I became pregnant with my first child. The pregnancy spiralled me into again feeling disgusting and fat, and it didn’t help that my partner also said I was overweight a lot, giving me workouts to do with him or maybe this was encouragement that I took the wrong way. I didn’t feel good enough and felt more repulsive than ever.
How does it affect you day to day?
It’s never gone away; I’ve suffered every single day and tried everything to help myself overcome it. I still dress in the dark, or cover myself to dress, its affected my sex life as I’ve never had the confidence or courage to just show myself happily (getting drunk usually solved that issue and took the care away). I constantly apologise for how I look to people in cases such as body assessments for hospital or doctors, I even apologised to Donna at the beginning as she took the photos. I would tell my partner “Please don’t look at me, I don’t want to scar you for life”. This would be said as a joke to lighten the mood, however in reality I was saying it because I felt disgusted in myself. I’ve been through 2 or 3 different psychiatrists and other counselling programs on top of it to try help me.
What are the particular difficulties you have had to deal with, past and present?
Well I suppose everything, looking at myself, feeling I’m good enough, accepting compliments, fear of what people think of me. Even going out shopping is a task as I hate how I look in most things and never feel I look nice, I think people are only being polite if they make a passing comment. I sometimes feel a little jealous when others have what I wish I could have, but I’m also happy that they were blessed better than me. I’m not spiteful haha!
What does your future hold with regards to your situation?
Well I’m very proud I did this shoot as a confidence boost, I need to do more to try and be more confident. Now I’m older I see pictures of myself and wish I still looked like the 16 year old I thought was fat and repulsive. I was actually a size 6 to 8 and now I’m a 14 to 16 yet always felt I looked even bigger than that.
I plan to try stop hating myself and now I have my own kids I want to make sure that they love who they are and don’t fear anything about themselves.
Advice to any others who suffer with BDD or are at the beginning of a similar journey?
Well it’s a tough one; I think body dysmorphia is hard for anyone to take advice. You can tell that person how stunning or beautiful or curvy/slim they are and they will not be able to see it. Not because of refusal to believe or stubbornness to accept what you say. But because they actually can’t see it, they see something else in the mirror entirely.
My advice is, if you can’t accept anyone’s compliments, or feel you look different to what other people see, or seeing yourself fat when everyone is saying they would love a figure like yours: smile, say thank you, accept that compliment and next time you look in the mirror think about that compliment and look at yourself a little harder. YOU ARE ENOUGH. You don’t need to be anything special to make anyone else happy, you need to make YOU happy and be special for YOU. And for other survivors of sexual abuse, whatever you wear or no matter what you do on a night out, you didn’t deserve to be abused, you didn’t ask for it. And remember tomorrow is a new day. Get up. Fight your thoughts and show yourself YOU CAN DO IT.
About your photo session, how was the experience as a whole?
Seriously emotional, anxiety made me puke all day, I felt poorly and shook really bad. I constantly apologised for my body. Donna was a legend, making me feel at ease, although it helped that we have known each other for years! Eventually I started to feel more comfortable and ok about it and actually enjoyed myself. The anxiety came back when I was given the pictures though and then I knew I had to put them up on social media. If I didn’t I wasn’t getting over a massive fear so I had to do it. The response was incredible! I couldn’t thank Donna enough. I don’t think I’m completely over it though, however it was a massive step in the right direction.
How do your photographs make you feel?
They make me feel good about myself! There are still bits that make me slightly embarrassed as I still see what I see, but the response from others made me realise my head demons are arseholes and they make me see something different. I now realise my bottom is peachy which I never knew before haha! So I now like my bum! But I look at them a lot when I feel shit about myself and show myself that I’m not the person I think I see looking back at me in that mirror, I’m beautiful and confident.
What would you say to someone like yourself who was considering a portrait shoot with me?
100% go for it, its nothing to regret, no matter how inferior you feel. Donna understands, she really gets it and that is something you don’t always find in a photographer. It’s like a counselling session in itself, it really is. Also it’s healthy to conquer your fears, so grasp those fears and fuck them up!
Anything else you would like to add?
Just a massive thank you for helping me see things I couldn’t. I think now I would like to try more like this and, as I’m now a little more forgiving of myself as I’ve grown older, hopefully my confidence will continue to grow with it. I couldn’t have done this without you Donna.
