The Warrior Project:Portraits of Carrie, Eating Disorder/Depression.
A brand new installment of ‘The Warrior Project’, a series of portraits of people who suffer or have suffered from mental or physical illness or disability. Suffering from chronic illness myself and being neurodiverse (Elhers Danlos Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, chronic migraine and ADHD) I love to capture portraits of people who have mental or physical illness or disability, whether visible or invisible, and share a bit about them, in the hopes that my portraits will help boost confidence and raise awareness of their particular condition.
This time we have the lovely Carrie, who wanted to help heal her relationship with her body with some beautiful intimate portraits. I’m over the moon with how beautiful her images look and her reaction to them!
Here is more about Carries journey, in her own words!
Tell me a little about yourself! Where are you from, what do you do for work/hobbies?
I'm from Blackburn. I am teaching assistant working in a SEND school. I absolutely love my job. I am a mother of 5 ( 3 birth, 2 step) and when I'm not working I put all my time into being a Mum and partner. I love to read when I get the chance to and I enjoy writing when the mood allows.
When and how did your journey begin?
I have struggled with eating since I was a child. The doctors, when I was a young child, prescribed me with food supplement drinks due to being underweight, but they couldn’t understand why all my tests came back ok. As a child I would refuse food or sneak food on to my other siblings plate to make it look like I had eaten when I actually hadn't. As I got into my teens I would often skip my breakfast and/or dinner and only eat supernoodles. It's hard to say why or when my eating disorder began as it wasn’t recognised until my 20s that my eating habits and mental health were linked. I started counselling in my early 20s after my ex-husband left and that's when it came to light. Whenever life gets stressful for me, my eating habits take the hit first. The counselling helped me gain that understanding and the patterns that follow. I struggled in childhood, my parents spilt when I was a toddler and custody battles would happen a lot over the years. Being stuck in the middle was always hard. I also grew up in a very large family household which had its challenges too. In my teens I moved in with my Mum who was a functional alcoholic and I had the responsibility of looking after my younger siblings. Those years were hard and it was during that time where I would go days not eating much, surviving on only supernoodles or crisp butties as it was easier to make those than cooking meals.
I was also bullied throughout school which had a massive impact on my self confidence, I would get bullied for having glasses, my height, my thinness, being ugly.
How does it affect you day to day?
When life gets difficult (which is a lot recently) and when I get emotionally tired the thought of having to make a decision on what to eat or even cooking can get very overwhelming and so I won't do it. Food doesn't excite me, I don't have a favourite meal, dessert or anything like that and it makes me sad. It's so frustrating knowing you need to eat but not having the will to eat. The battle day to day is to eat and have the will to eat. Some days I manage 3 meals a day, some days it will be 2 and on others it will just be snacks. Some days the overwhelming feeling is too much but I try telling myself that I need to eat, not just for me but to set an example to my children.
What are the particular difficulties you have had to deal with, past and present?
Putting weight on and keeping it on has always been so hard. In 2018 I was 6st 2 and I remember a colleague at work complementing me on my thigh gap, I was flabbergasted. I hated the way i looked and having no clothes ever look nice on me because all my bones showed. I had 0 confidence and it hit me that my children would be growing up knowing my eating habits and I didn't want then to follow me thinking it was normal. So I always try to eat around them, even on days when it overwhelms me I will eat a meal with then. My disorder has lead to being anemic and having a b12 deficiency. My periods have always been all over, they are painful, tiring, I suffer from migraines when on and can often be bed bound with them.
What does your future hold with regards to your situation?
I honestly don't know! I try my hardest to not let my mental health win and my attitude now is to eat something even if it's something odd for breakfast like a ham sandwich or Yorkshire puds and gravy. Eating that is better than not eating. I'm struggling at the moment and over the last couple of weeks have gone from 8st 9 to 8st 2 because life is up and down and food isn't exciting at all so I eat whatever seems the best/easiest to at the time.
Advice to others about to undertake or are at the beginning of a similar journey?
Seek counselling, don't force yourself to eat food you won't enjoy and eat whatever you can/like at the time.
About your photo session, how was the experience as a whole?
That was an absolutely amazing experience. I loved the little touches with snacks and drinks being offered. The cute pets. Donna was so lovely, felt like we'd known each other forever and not just met. The poses and scenes were beautiful.
How do your photographs make you feel?
They have helped my confidence so much. Seeing all my scars, stretch makes, rolls everything that makes me, me. It makes me happy because it shows my battle and that I am winning my battle, most days.
What would you say to someone like yourself who was considering a portrait shoot with me?
I would absolutely tell them to go for it. It helps to see yourself in a different way and not just a Mum, partner and/or your condition. We are still strong beautiful people (we are even when we don't feel it) and we need that reminder and this experience does that, 100%!
Just a few random questions so people can get to know you!
Who's your celebrity crush?
Pink
Favourite colour?
Orange
Favourite music genre/band/artist?
I love everything from punk to disney.
Favourite food?
Depends on the day
What does your ideal day include?
I love family days out, going to parks, beach, swimming, theme parks anything involving the whole family are my fave days
Do you have a favourite quote?
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return
My favourite word is Serendipity
Your favourite movies?
Dirty dancing
Beauty and the beast
The bee movie
The best of me
Your most treasured possession?
My family photo albums. I love documenting all the things we do and having the memories to look back on
An odd fact about you, or do you have a party trick?
My children are convinced I can read minds because I know/predict things they/others have said or done when I'm not around and got it right??
Thank you SO much for sharing your story Carrie! I know it was hard to share these vulnerable words and photographs and I’m so proud of you for your courage <3
If you want to take part in the Warrior Project, just fill in the contact form below! You will receive a reduced session fee in return for sharing your story.
Donna x